The Truth About Me...

Its hard to admit your fears especially you never want anyone to know how weak indeed you are. But since yesterday, after reminiscing many things, something just reached out of me not to be that afraid just for a little bit..

Have you ever felt difficulty in words? Because I’ve always had, even now. To express happiness especially, has never been easy. I’ve only mastered how to express sadness and anger. The only time I remembered me expressing my happiness was when I was young that I would hug my mum or my dad. That was the only time I never held back anything. I have all my aunts and uncles saying I’m adorable when I was young and I was happy with that not because I think I’m adorable but because I feel I’m liked by them. There’s once I have an aunty-friend who held me tight and gave me a kiss on my cheek and having her tell me that she wished she had a little sister like me. The young me was very happy that she said that, making me feel important.

When I grew up being a teenager, I started growing pimples. Slowly I felt my aunts and uncles don’t see me as I was before. I started being timid and held back everything. They would keep on talking about my face. I began to feel ashamed of myself. I felt I was so ugly and began wondering why am I born that ugly. My siblings do have pimples too but it gradually went away but mine stayed on even till now. I cried many times at night not letting anyone know how I felt each time they say how it’s getting worse. Since then, I never really like myself. I guess that’s how my confidence disappeared. When I went to school, I never dared to talk closely to a person because I felt I’m ugly and that they would just look at my pimples. Friends I’ve come across miraculously they all have nice skim no pimples and they could just lift their heads up to the world. But I can’t manage to do that. I never felt jealous or envy but it made me feel different in some ways.

When I visit a friend’s place I will be very self-conscious towards their parents. How do I look in their eyes? I felt sick about myself at times. When I meet new people I am even afraid till now. It never really left me. Even when a guy likes me I find it impossible to believe till a point I wished to introduce them to my friends who might be better than me. Besides this, reaching secondary my grades gradually drop and with dad’s word I felt stupid, like I’m so useless. I felt I can’t do anything right, to make my parents proud of me. It then grew in me. I’m useless and ugly. What more of a combination would suit well than this? I don’t know what to do than just live with a heavy heart all the time. It made me afraid of everyone.

Being in my country, we don’t hug much, we don’t hold hands shopping and we don’t really say what we usually feel. And then, I rejected all of this. But in me I want to be hug without feeling weird or giving the weird action but I can’t help myself expressing it that way. When I went overseas and friends started holding me shopping, I felt weird too. I’m afraid of accepting that they would come near me. But in fact I’m always touched when one hugs me or dare to hold me. I felt there were not afraid of me. The feeling was nice and comfortable that I felt loved sometimes despite me being stupid and ugly.

When I was young I’m someone everybody sees as a strong person. Everyone respected me everyone was afraid of me. Till now many people are scared of me. They never dared to say things I don’t want to hear. They were all afraid of me….and they never come near me near to my heart. At times I tried finding answers to why they are scared of me that I find myself isolated and I can’t feel free of myself. That is why for a person to hug me, say they love me, dare to hold me, I embraced that moment very much. I know that sometimes things need not be said that they cared and loved me. But I’m so deprived of it that I have been searching all this while for someone to show me and not just let me think that they do.

All of this made me so low, and I’ve been stuck that low that I began believing I’m just as low as it could be. And I learnt that all I can do is just give. I still can’t express myself when I’m happy, I can’t give a reaction that I’m happy and excited. Maybe I’ve fall into this deep hole that caught the entire of me…