The Truth About Me...

Its hard to admit your fears especially you never want anyone to know how weak indeed you are. But since yesterday, after reminiscing many things, something just reached out of me not to be that afraid just for a little bit..

Have you ever felt difficulty in words? Because I’ve always had, even now. To express happiness especially, has never been easy. I’ve only mastered how to express sadness and anger. The only time I remembered me expressing my happiness was when I was young that I would hug my mum or my dad. That was the only time I never held back anything. I have all my aunts and uncles saying I’m adorable when I was young and I was happy with that not because I think I’m adorable but because I feel I’m liked by them. There’s once I have an aunty-friend who held me tight and gave me a kiss on my cheek and having her tell me that she wished she had a little sister like me. The young me was very happy that she said that, making me feel important.

When I grew up being a teenager, I started growing pimples. Slowly I felt my aunts and uncles don’t see me as I was before. I started being timid and held back everything. They would keep on talking about my face. I began to feel ashamed of myself. I felt I was so ugly and began wondering why am I born that ugly. My siblings do have pimples too but it gradually went away but mine stayed on even till now. I cried many times at night not letting anyone know how I felt each time they say how it’s getting worse. Since then, I never really like myself. I guess that’s how my confidence disappeared. When I went to school, I never dared to talk closely to a person because I felt I’m ugly and that they would just look at my pimples. Friends I’ve come across miraculously they all have nice skim no pimples and they could just lift their heads up to the world. But I can’t manage to do that. I never felt jealous or envy but it made me feel different in some ways.

When I visit a friend’s place I will be very self-conscious towards their parents. How do I look in their eyes? I felt sick about myself at times. When I meet new people I am even afraid till now. It never really left me. Even when a guy likes me I find it impossible to believe till a point I wished to introduce them to my friends who might be better than me. Besides this, reaching secondary my grades gradually drop and with dad’s word I felt stupid, like I’m so useless. I felt I can’t do anything right, to make my parents proud of me. It then grew in me. I’m useless and ugly. What more of a combination would suit well than this? I don’t know what to do than just live with a heavy heart all the time. It made me afraid of everyone.

Being in my country, we don’t hug much, we don’t hold hands shopping and we don’t really say what we usually feel. And then, I rejected all of this. But in me I want to be hug without feeling weird or giving the weird action but I can’t help myself expressing it that way. When I went overseas and friends started holding me shopping, I felt weird too. I’m afraid of accepting that they would come near me. But in fact I’m always touched when one hugs me or dare to hold me. I felt there were not afraid of me. The feeling was nice and comfortable that I felt loved sometimes despite me being stupid and ugly.

When I was young I’m someone everybody sees as a strong person. Everyone respected me everyone was afraid of me. Till now many people are scared of me. They never dared to say things I don’t want to hear. They were all afraid of me….and they never come near me near to my heart. At times I tried finding answers to why they are scared of me that I find myself isolated and I can’t feel free of myself. That is why for a person to hug me, say they love me, dare to hold me, I embraced that moment very much. I know that sometimes things need not be said that they cared and loved me. But I’m so deprived of it that I have been searching all this while for someone to show me and not just let me think that they do.

All of this made me so low, and I’ve been stuck that low that I began believing I’m just as low as it could be. And I learnt that all I can do is just give. I still can’t express myself when I’m happy, I can’t give a reaction that I’m happy and excited. Maybe I’ve fall into this deep hole that caught the entire of me…

What do you think of this?

Teacher to Kisa> Kisa, come to like yourself. "Finding the good points about yourself, and growing to like yourself."

Teacher to Kisa> "After all, there's no way for a person who dislikes themselves to be liked by others, is there?"

Kisa's fren> What is this supposed to mean. "come to like yourself?" How do you look for these "good points," i wonder...when you only know what points you don't like...and you dislike yourself because you don't know any others?

Kisa's fren> That's not it..that's not how it is. I think the way is to have someone tell you that they like you..so that you can first begin to like yourself, you know?

Kisa's fren> When someone first accepts you..that's when you first begin to forgive yourself a little, and begin to think you like yourself, I believe.

Kisa's fren> Kisa, we love you. But, that's al we can do..


I don't kno why this actually touched my heart..but i guess that's what i feel...

Mum

Couple nights ago i received this song called Qin Ai De Ma ma.. WHen i listen to it especially the lyrics.. i Started crying and crying. It's nice and meaningful and it keeps on repeating... Feel like those are the words that i carry in my heart but never did dare to speak it out. I guess i'm timid when it comes to my family expressing all my emotions; anger, hapiness,sadness..everything. I don't know why i'm so reserved towards them. But when it's a friend i could just tell right away.

Anyway.. i watch Aladdin few nights ago too and there's this deleted scene and song. The title is called ProuD of Your Boy... Just like qin ai de mama song.. it touched me. ANd again those are just the words i would just wanan voice out to my mum. But never did have the guts to. I always do blame it on the chinese tradition that we don't exactly express our feelings but i guess it's my own choice.. Feel alil sucky abt this but still it never give me that guts to. There's once in KL that my friend snatched my phone and actually typed something nice to my mum! I feel so weird after she press SENT...

I feel sometimes a failure being a daughter. Not good at anything..

Saturday

Woke up quite early again and started msg ppl who wanna go watch movie. Beck Syeu Ymei and me went to watch H2G2. The lamest movie on earth!!!!!!!!!!I can say the 2nd. The first lamest movie was Open Water. BUt we did have a few good laughs. After the show and also before it.. they helped me out looking at earrings. Then i went to have my very first DQ! it was just alright to me. We then walked around and talked. Adeline and Fab then came along and we chatted awhile till Ymei left. Crazy girl suddenly hug me. Hahaha. Ooo yea.. She looks very tall today. Wish i can CHOP off her leg!hahahahah! KNS ostrict. The rest of us then went to the BookShop and browse arond at books and also laughing at it. Weirdos.haha!

After that went to Funbread to take pictures. Then we all left. Brought syeu back home... Just reaching home for around 10 min i went out with my parents for dinner again. What a hectic day it has been ahhah! There's no time to just sit around and rest on my butt! Anyway we went to eat curry fish head.. and that's where i suddenly saw my Ex. THen i turn no mood for a while. Dad then brought us to town to look at the lightings set up for Sultan's Bday. I was too tired due to the empire night and the bbq night.. si i dozed off in the car.. but then halfway back home.. My couz called and asked wanna go Yam Cha or not. Wahh stress!hhahah never ending plans. I went home took a bath and called Syeu.. she's still at Jikson's house after bathing she came to my house... she also wanna play so we went to my couz house to pick them out and went Yamcha at Foodzone. Syeu then told me her SMARTIE PANTS. ahah Shoot man! Din have his picture ahha really wanna know how smart he looks like. ahah and i so enjoy making her blush and AM CHIO there hahaha!

The rest of my cousins joined us later and so does syin...haha that's where the teasing was non stop. We were having fun teasing and hinting around. ahhaha! At around 12am... my other couz decided to go Jerudong beach. Syeu didn't wanna go cuz she's fraid that her mum would bomb her cuz of the past few nights going out nonstop. But in the end she came along. WE then went to jerudong beach. It was so nice... especially the sky above.. the stars... the waves... i could just stay there forever! That time i was kinda high and talk nonsense haha i guess couz of mycous keep on moving away from my other cousin leaving him with syin. ahahha me and syeu ofcuz did play along. Details are hard to describe but it's all in my mind. WE went back at 1 plus....BUt i stayed on at Billy's place till 245am..cuz i need to burn pictures... i reached home at 3am.. surprisingly my dad din scold me. He missed call me a few times b4 that. He just asked where i went. Then i dozed off..... Tomorrow i'll be leaving....It's just so sad that the fun hafta end.. but i'm so looking forward to December to do all this all over again... being back in brunei is so relaxing and fun and u can just feel u can do anything and say anything!

I'm starting to miss Brunei now...but i just hafta go to sleep...cuz tomorrow i need to rush each and everything on my list to bring back to Aus... I hate to go...Worst of all... i'm always the first to leave....how saddening...DECEMBER WAIT FOR ME!!!!!!!

Saturday

Woke up quite early again and started msg ppl who wanna go watch movie. Beck Syeu Ymei and me went to watch H2G2. The lamest movie on earth!!!!!!!!!!I can say the 2nd. The first lamest movie was Open Water. BUt we did have a few good laughs. After the show and also before it.. they helped me out looking at earrings. Then i went to have my very first DQ! it was just alright to me. We then walked around and talked. Adeline and Fab then came along and we chatted awhile till Ymei left. Crazy girl suddenly hug me. Hahaha. Ooo yea.. She looks very tall today. Wish i can CHOP off her leg!hahahahah! KNS ostrict. The rest of us then went to the BookShop and browse arond at books and also laughing at it. Weirdos.haha!

After that went to Funbread to take pictures. Then we all left. Brought syeu back home... Just reaching home for around 10 min i went out with my parents for dinner again. What a hectic day it has been ahhah! There's no time to just sit around and rest on my butt! Anyway we went to eat curry fish head.. and that's where i suddenly saw my Ex. THen i turn no mood for a while. Dad then brought us to town to look at the lightings set up for Sultan's Bday. I was too tired due to the empire night and the bbq night.. si i dozed off in the car.. but then halfway back home.. My couz called and asked wanna go Yam Cha or not. Wahh stress!hhahah never ending plans. I went home took a bath and called Syeu.. she's still at Jikson's house after bathing she came to my house... she also wanna play so we went to my couz house to pick them out and went Yamcha at Foodzone. Syeu then told me her SMARTIE PANTS. ahah Shoot man! Din have his picture ahha really wanna know how smart he looks like. ahah and i so enjoy making her blush and AM CHIO there hahaha!

The rest of my cousins joined us later and so does syin...haha that's where the teasing was non stop. We were having fun teasing and hinting around. ahhaha! At around 12am... my other couz decided to go Jerudong beach. Syeu didn't wanna go cuz she's fraid that her mum would bomb her cuz of the past few nights going out nonstop. But in the end she came along. WE then went to jerudong beach. It was so nice... especially the sky above.. the stars... the waves... i could just stay there forever! That time i was kinda high and talk nonsense haha i guess couz of mycous keep on moving away from my other cousin leaving him with syin. ahahha me and syeu ofcuz did play along. Details are hard to describe but it's all in my mind. WE went back at 1 plus....BUt i stayed on at Billy's place till 245am..cuz i need to burn pictures... i reached home at 3am.. surprisingly my dad din scold me. He missed call me a few times b4 that. He just asked where i went. Then i dozed off..... Tomorrow i'll be leaving....It's just so sad that the fun hafta end.. but i'm so looking forward to December to do all this all over again... being back in brunei is so relaxing and fun and u can just feel u can do anything and say anything!

I'm starting to miss Brunei now...but i just hafta go to sleep...cuz tomorrow i need to rush each and everything on my list to bring back to Aus... I hate to go...Worst of all... i'm always the first to leave....how saddening...DECEMBER WAIT FOR ME!!!!!!!

Empire II

I was awaken by stupiak ymei at 930 am!!! That crazy pig.. I was having a dream and she suddenly say to my ear.. Ah mei.. and out of the blue i snapped from my dream and get a SHOCKED and i was furious pointing at ymei with a fierce look saying ITS NOT FUNNY... and she got scared!hahaha I din't mean to! it was my reflex action cuz i was shocked by her! Anyway we then started talking...i wanted to get back to sleep but she kept talking to me..hahah! After while i ewnt to her bed where gay was there half awake.. then the stupid-est thing happend. Ymei grabbed my hand and move it somewhere!STupiak girl!Half hour later me and ymei went up to the other level to look for cass. Everyone was still dead on their bed except for cass watching oprah. WE then return to our room and talked. Then i woke syeu up cuz me and ymei kept talking.haha!

The 3 of us then started talking.. but after awhile i think i dozed off. haha syeu went to look for cass again.. then after that i remember just seeing everyone in the room and me on the bed still sleeping. STupiak syeu pull my blankey. WE then took a walk at the long stretch of beach (ted,chien,syeu,me) And we spotted lotsa KATAM(crab) and started trhowing stones at them.haha Chien got the most shot. After that, we went to SEria kolO Mee to eat kuay tiao....everyone was quiet dead tired... It seems like we din really slept at all. After that i sent ymei home where syeu OBTAINED ymei's mum's smell..HAHAH! perfume i mean. Then i sent syeu to her tuition class. Reaching home.. i on aircon so it would be nice and cold to sleep but it needed sometime to be cool. SO i on my pc and started chatting. THen came ymei we then talked on the phone and discuss abt bbq that night. If she wanted to go or not.

In the end she decided to go and we both din even sleep. It was like a continous thing!The bbq was at syeu's house. WE reached at almost 7 but wasn't too late i suppose. Ymei was then challenged by syeu's bro on PooL. She lost to her bro.haahaha! After that we went up to her entertainment room to play Cho Tai Ti while waiting for Syin to bring grill. When she arrived everyone got ready to cook. WE're super hungry!hahahah.It was fun talking crap and laughin and grilling. After all that ymei gay and chien left first.. then we went up to the entertainment room again and its KARAOKE time. hahah! everyone was singing except me. ahaha PAISEH NYA. They sing with so much enthusiasm.hahah! it was funny and fun tho i din join but watching them haha it was just fun. After that..me and syeu went down to talk. And that's where i began confused about alot of things...and i got a lil hurt and no mood. But din show it.hahha anyway after karaoke it was 130am already. Stupiak billy then decided to go Seafood centre to have a drink.

So we went... drink and talked... we talked till 230...and everyone went home...Its as tho i've never slept for 2 whole nights already.... Tomorrow there's another plan...to play... We're all bunch of weirdos haha forever playing and making full use of the time.!! we're just so crazy!!!

Empire!

Big day today!Going to empire to stay over. Woke up earlier than usual to pack my clothings. It was a rainy day..that morning but luckily it pass by quickly. About 12 plus went to pick Syeu up to meet my cousin. He's treating us escapade.SUSHI that i deSire!hahaha! We ate till 1+ when gary msg us to buy drinks to bring to empire. So after lunch we 3 went to buy drinks and also some food which is for tomorrow's bbq! When we left Gadong it was 230 already We're like super late and everyone is at empire waiting. But i hafta get memory card from my cousin where i made a wrong turn ahha! so ended up reaching empire at 3. Upon reaching there. Me and syeu got lost! We didn't know where East atrium is.hahah SO lame! Must remember not to take the FIRST LIFT! Reaching our door step.we swapped the card but COULDN'T OPEN the door! STupiak door rosak terpulang!

Ymei then opened the door. Then we just got to knw that there's only a few of us there and the rest are not coming...We all then started talking and laughing for quite sometime till they decided to go to the pool...to swim..saddie.. I din't wanna change at first cuz i so paiseh!!BUt finally did change..Ymei was the first to change wrapped around with that blue clothing. I think she's excited.haha!WE all then jumped into the pool and took pictures. I dunno how to swim so i stayed on the shallow side. All of them went off to the deeper pool and other side except for johnson who stayed behind with me and tell me his stories. It was until evening that they came back to the shallow side.hahah! stupiak!Json has to leave at that time so i left with him back to our room. The rest continued in the pool. Terry came along when me and json was back in our room then he left to the pool to find the others while i bath. After awhile everyone came back..and took turns bathing.

NIght timeee... we're all hungry! No one decided where to eat at first until i forgot who decided ahah ended up at jerudong park food court. After eating went back hotel and talk for awhile and the session began... Drinking... Json bought Sisha if that's what u call. He started to burn the coal and stuffs while Chien get ready with the glasses ,wine and beer. Terry was the mastermidn there ahha cuz he know's all the drinking game. The sisha din really work tho. We then started playing the card game where u hafta put on ur forehead and after that to the no saying I ME YOU DRINK and POINT game. I feel for it alot of times but worse is Cass haha! She turned super red cuz she always drink. The funniest is when gary answered the phone cuz he cant say I and you and others. SO he has to tell his fren over the phone that Gary Duno Gary say..bla bla..without using I ME YOu stuffs. ahha which was very funny.hahah!

Becuz we laugh and talk loud the people staying on top of us asked us to keep our voices down so we went into the room to continue. Cass din play cuz she's really red already i din play too cuz my stomach is getting a lil weird. They all played on with 007 BAng! Wa! thing. It was so funny too! The others came and join us from the other room to play. i then began feeling sleepy and i did kinda doze off awhile till i heard noises again then i woke up. They are still playing but by then my stomach is getting uncomfy. I went to the toilet few times but nothing came out.. Till after a long time i forced myself to vomit.. My dinner came out... After drinking everyone started talking outside the balcony. SOme in the room too. I spent most of the time in the room cuz i cant stand the smoke smell..makes my stomach worse. SO in the room ther's ymei gay and me and johnson sleeping. Stupid ymei always wanna show me weird stuffs! And super MANJA like no one else. But actually i'm very happy to see them cuddle each other and stuffs. Happy for them!

It's already 4 and we're still awake. Gay wanted to sleep but ymei keeps on talking haha so he din really sleep.Ohh b4 that around 2. we all decided to walk at the beach but not even halfway thru it..Chien stepped on Syeu's toe and she started bleeding and it hurts alot. So we all went back in to see how she was doing and said it was a sign not to go out this time. So we all stayed in our room and continue chatting. Almost 530 the sky starting to turn dark blue.. we wanted to watch sunrise but apparently it was raining.. and we're dead tired. So in the end we did sleep..but not Chien and Ted...

Continuation of cutie

Stupiak Billy....last minute cancel dun wana go out...then met him online..then OO SI MIA wanna go out again. Before i left i saw my mum sitting there alone watching tv...in the car i started thinking and feeling sad. By the time i reach Syeu's house i actually wanna cry.haha but i din. SUcked it back. Today's terrible hahaha we went to Gadong(town) to this restaurant malay one and sat there... we 4 werre looking at the menu and i saw SAN SUAN(the three sour drink) but the menu it spelled SUN SWARM. And i pointed to my cousin. WE started busting out loud laughing there like crazy.hahaha! my two other frens were just looking at us hahaha but after that we told them what we saw and they started laughing too....

After that..my cuz suggest maybe we should eat steamboat instead. we discuss for awhile and we ended up flipping the coin.haha the coin says to leave and go for steam boat..hahah we just came in and sat without ordering anything( in fact asking the waitress to come back later) but laughing at the menu. We just walk out straight. Hahaha we all so paiseh!!!! hahaha after that stupiak cuz park duno how...then we went to somewhere near my place to eat the steamboat.We all sat already and ordered our drink and also steamboat for 2 person.. After the waitress went off..i saw the sign steamboat on the fridge where all the dishes of steamboat was displayed. So i ask my cousin to go and see with me...we went....Hahaha the food wasnt that fresh and we discuss about the fishball the fishcake.Seems not fresh. Then we quickly decided maybe we don't eat here!!! Cause the food lousy maybe we should go to SEAFOOD centre which is 200m or so away. The waitress who came to our table for our orders were near by us. then we quickly decide tell her.. STEamboat ini cancel ah?!Then we went into the counter but saw the 2 drinks already ready so no choice we hafta buy the 2 drinks..we ta pao...WE 2 then say minta maaaf ah (sorry) the waitress was nice and smiled and say its ok.and said thank u too!

Me an my cousin then went to the table where we actually sat took our keys and wallet and left the table.hahaha my 2 fren sitting next to each other were blur.haha cuz we din tell them and we just walk off laughing!!!hahahaha! Syin wanan stand up but sat down like DILEMMA duno what to do .hahaha Both syeu and syin look at each other thought we prank them.haha BUt we walk further haha luckily for them the waitress went to them and said cancel.hahaha If not i think me and my cousin laugh until faint!!!Funny tonight..hahahahaha!Finally we're at SEAFOOD center...and ordered..but then..... wahhhh suddenly my cousin's fren came then terus ask can i sit down. He bo pien must say sit down lo... then we kinda went quiet...cuz it was arkward. My cousin's bro came along later and sat down...it was ok cuz at least we all knew him. After awhile its really arkward and i asked my cousin,billy wanna see fish then he agreed cuz he knew i got something to say to him. When we went there we discuss how to make that guy go away! so decided to ask his bro but to no avail..his bro(my cousin's bro) went to another table to seat but his fren stayed saying i'm having fun here.

Puki!hahaha!Syeu keep on talking to him and i kick her leg under the table from a distance.hahah! then she decided to go toilet and i acompanied her. SHE tricky ah! didn't wanna go toilet! know i wanan discuss with her.hahah! then we think how to drive him away again. Say maybe if we stay at the toilet long he will go away..but in the end he didnt..Then come Syin going toilet and i accompany again..then we talk abt him again.hahahaha! Syeu joined us after that. Ooo my fly was open just now ahahah! syeu told me then i zip! hahaha! We thought 3 of us coming to toilet leaving him alone with my couz will drive him off buit it didn't..so we kinda gave up and just ate but without that fun. But lucikily after awhile he went home..and we had stupid fun again!!We talked and laff. That syeu stupiak one keep on adding mee and other dish to each of our bowl.hahaha! Then at last syin's egg not too cook haha then she ABANDONED her egg!hahaha! STupiak billy's table was a mess worse than a kid eating!next time his son wah piang i dun dare imagine when he eats.hahaha!

Met up with Gary and CHien all of us talk awhile..After that we went home....hahaha STupid night! we all are going to gain weight!!!!

Cutie

Today didn't feel like waking up...but was forced to! Cause i need to go to Aus HIgh Comm ask abt my passport. Nothing new today except...meeting piggy~!Hahaha seems weird when we're here we can play and talk crazy but when we're in melbourne we're not like tat. haha I guess home is always best to hang out and play. Meet up with another pig and her sai kang.hahah~ Was kinda happy today....Going out tonight again with Syeu Syin and Bill. Forever playing! Play until stress! Kinda don't feel like going back Aus at this moment. Cuz it seems so fun here with everyone around...but my time is short here have to go back this sunday.. I have to wait till November till i can play again...Looking so forward to it. Melb a boring disasterous place. But i'm going to put some effort so i'm going to be happy. hahah!