Pressured...

Been a long while since i've even touch on blog...Hahaha but the most hilarious thing is now i'm back here and the first thing i'm going to write about is not too much of a happy thing...

Discovered something on someone's handphone yesterday. Things that i didn't want to see... It had me stunned for awhile. I didn't know who i could tell i didn't know what i should do and how to deal with it.... But i did told my fren and my cousin. Luckily my cousin bought me out to play so at that moment at least my heart was at ease. But in the car when it turn silence..i couldn't make myself smile... I'm someone who laugh non-stop with my cousin 24 hrs if i'm ever with him. But yesterday i found myself hard to smile,the usual me..

When i got back home bunk on my bed,i started thinking alot of what might happen when i'm gone(back to Aus)..i started having some tears. When i woke up today i started thinking again.. but this time my heart doesn't feel anything anymore.. Am i taking it too lightly or am i unconciously neglecting it?I don't know...Hahaha weird eh?

When my grandpa pass away i didn't feel anything too maybe cause i wasn't close to him and i'm in AUs that time..but when i came back (brunei) and saw the pictures of all my cousin,aunts and uncles crying i wanted to cry. SOmeone back then asked me why i don't feel anything. I don't know how to answer. And today that person asked me something like tat but not exactly. Indirectly like i'm ok nothing wrong... At that moment i starting thinking what's wrong with me? Am i unhappy or not bothered or anything. Though i'm scared but now my heart is at ease. Am i keeping all this into myself or maybe i'm just used to all this heartache i once had bottled inside me that made me not bothered?I started feeling pressured. Am i really suppose to feel something? Am i being cold hearted already?I'm scared what's going to happen when i'm gone and i'm scared of myself.Hahaha stupid...

I hate to pretend i don't know anything right now. Wonder why i am fated to see that someone's message. I thought for the first time, I'm happy coming home nothing that makes me think alot and even shed a tear. But in the end..i was wrong. Each time coming back home.. there's bound to have something that comes up making me unhappy. Why?I became paranoid..since young ppl told me that when a person's palm has lots of lines..it means that that person will have many hardships. I began believing its true thought at times i try not to. But when i look at my own hands..its sometimes just hard to not believe..I think i will go on a plan.. a plan which i might not want to see but i want truth before my eyes...